i want to scream but i can't
by lord yuuri
Summary: Reunions aren't always happy nor always welcomed.


It's been a while since he's seen him, and he wants to doubt that it's actually him - surely any motherfucker can have curly green hair and emerald eyes - but when he hears "Hey, Kacchan!", he knows (fucking _knows_ ) it's him and shit, _shit,_ he's on his way.

Izuku Midoriya half-skips, half-walks up to Katsuki Bakugou like he hasn't seen him in years. And to be fair, he hasn't. Six years, Katsuki thinks. Seven years. Something like that. All Katsuki knows is that it's been a really, really long time and now he really doesn't know how to feel about this sudden reencounter.

"Kacchan, it's good to see you!" Izuku says when he's within a respectable distance of Katsuki. Katsuki chuckles, stuffs his hands into his pockets. Izuku's voice is deeper, but still somehow soft. He both loves and hates that.

"Hey there, Deku." Katsuki thinks he says his greeting in a friendly tone, but he's not really sure. He's just feeling really fucked up right now and he hopes Izuku doesn't notice. "What'cha doin'?"

"Oh, nothing much. I was on my way to buy some things and then I notice you. I didn't even know you came back."

"Ah, yeah. I, uh, I came back around two years ago." A decision made on a whim, Katsuki notes to himself. Here is the only place where really felt rooted. Even then, he didn't expect to see Izuku again, and now he wants to flee again.

Izuku smiles again, expressing a want of catching up, and points to the nearest café to do so. Millions of excuses run through Katsuki's head.

"Yeah, sure. I got some time."

* * *

Katsuki orders iced tea and Izuku some coffee. Four sugars, two creamers. French vanilla. Izuku's favorite. Their orders don't take long, especially since not a lot of customers are here to day. A slow day. Katsuki remembers when they used to come here on these slow days.

He takes a sip of his iced tea, tries to freeze the memories.

"So, how's life been treating you?" Izuku stirs the coffee slowly. Katsuki shrugs.

"Eh, it's been a few shit stains here and there, but nothin' too bad." The lies burn Katsuki's tongue, and he takes another sip of iced tea to cool it down. Few is an understatement. His life has been peppered with relationships that went well for one second, then crashed the next. The only real connections he has is with his dog, his therapist, and the sweet elderly couple that lives across from him and invites him over for snacks sometimes.

"Sometimes, life is like that," Izuku says, and he sips his coffee. He exhales happily. "There have been a few hiccups in my own life, too, but you get through them, ya know?"

No, Izuku, Katsuki thinks. No, you really don't.

Katsuki doesn't want to be focused on anymore. "What about you, Deku? How the hell you've been doing?" He makes it sound playfully rough, hits it with his patent Katsuki Way of Talkin'.

Izuku laughs, and Katsuki feels his heart twist a little. "Well, I've been in a relationship with Ochaco for a while. You remember Ochaco, right?"

Katsuki blinks. Ochaco? Who the fuck was Ochaco? He would've remembered a name like that.

"Black hair, right? Kind personality, smart? Large breasts?"

Izuku shakes his head. "No, no! That's Momo. She's with Todoroki."

Katsuki rolls his eyes at the mention of Todoroki's name. He was one of the few friends of Izuku's he couldn't stand. He searches his mind for a bit, looking under memory under memory. A distant realization comes to his head.

"Ochaco. Ochaco Uraraka. Brown hair. Went to high school with us." Class 1-A. She was one of Deku's friends, alongside Tenya. She wasn't too fond of Katsuki. He always figured she had a crush on Izuku. A lot of people did. But hers was obvious, and Izuku was oblivious. The fact that she's with him now must mean she's the happiest girl in the world.

Katsuki clenches his fists underneath the table.

"Yes! We ended up going to the same college, too. Actually didn't realize it until the middle of junior year. Things have gotten pretty serious and - "

Izuku pauses, leans in closer, and Katsuki gets a full view of that excited grin he hasn't seen in ages.

"And I've, uh...I've been thinking of proposing to her."

"Wow, that's nice. I'm sure she'll say yes to a goofball like you." Izuku mockingly pouts, trying to hide his smile. But he can't. He never could.

Something sort of breaks within Katsuki and it falls to the pit of his stomach.

But then, then it starts bubbling up, burning his throat, threatening to spill from his lips. He thinks it may be anger. But he has nothing to be angry about. It's not like they could've gotten married. They would've had to move to some place like America to do that kind of thing.

But Katsuki would've done that. He would've done that if they were still together, that is. But they aren't together, they haven't been together since they were teenagers. And in that timeframe, Izuku has managed to move on and Katsuki has attempted to move on. Attempted.

He really shouldn't be angry. They weren't together for long. Things ended amicably between them. It really did. It was just a matter of friendship not transitioning well to a romantic relationship. Happens all the time to people, Katsuki. They even talked for a while after the breakup. As friends.

Just friends.

But Katsuki found it awkward. Izuku didn't find it awkward, but Katsuki couldn't just move on. It felt off to him to then, and it feels off to him now. For Katsuki, it wasn't just for that one school year where the childhood friends fell in love. It was more than that. It was the year where they kissed, where they hugged, where they were intimate.

And yet, it just didn't work out.

And Katsuki just couldn't forget that.

But friends they were, and Katsuki just pushed aside the feelings. He still hung out with Izuku, they still called each other Kacchan and Deku. They still celebrated when each boy was accepted into college, they still hung out by the river like when they were five.

Maybe a break should've been taken, maybe Katsuki should've talked to him, more than what they talked about when they ended. Maybe they really could've gone back to being friends, once the romantic ties were completely cut off on both ends. But something held him back, and he didn't want to risk losing Izuku completely.

(But he lost him anyway.)

A sound of thunder rumbles outside. Izuku rolls his eyes, mumbles something about not bringing his umbrella. Katsuki lacks one as well - it wasn't his intention to stay out this long - and he thinks about offering Izuku his hoodie.

The offer never leaves his lips.

"I'm glad I got to see you again, Kacchan," Izuku says after a while of silence. The fondness in his voice makes Katsuki want to cry. "We've known each other since we were kids. Five years old."

"Five years old," Katsuki repeats.

"Ochaco once told me that people who are meant to be friends for life never truly drift away, no matter how far away they are. And I really think that's true. Kacchan, we've been through a lot, but I'm glad that you're my friend. My dearest friend. Now that you're back, we really have to stay in touch."

Katsuki stares. Something is stirring up inside of him and he doesn't know what. But what he does know is that he doesn't like it. He doesn't like having this conversation and he doesn't like hearing about Ochaco and he doesn't like being in front of the person he still loves so fucking much _why couldn't it work, why couldn't it work they were friends it could've worked perfectly._

"I'm sorry, but I-I gotta go." Katsuki stands up, and the chair makes an uncomfortably loud noise as it scoots. He pulls out his wallet and throws some money onto the table, enough for his and Izuku's drinks, maybe even a little more. Izuku looks concerned, and Katsuki knows that kind of look (he has all of Izuku's expressions etched into his mind, his soul. He can't ever forget the way Izuku Midoriya looks - _looked_ \- at him).

"Kacchan, what's wrong?"

Katsuki doesn't answer. He pushes the chair in, heads towards the door. He knows Izuku is following behind him; he has always done that, followed him, checked up on him. Loved him.

Katsuki places his hand on the handle and pushes the door open. The few patrons in the café are looking at them, but none of them pierce through him like Izuku's.

Sand fills his mouth as he speaks. "It was nice seeing you, too, Izuku."

"Kacchan, wait. What's wrong? Kacchan! _Katsuki!_ "

Katsuki steps out into the rain and hopes the water will wash Izuku's stare off of him.

* * *

 **i think i did a lot of telling as opposed to showing in this story. it's really hard to get that down pat. oof. it's also hard to write endings. and hard to write...well, everything.**

 **one day, though.**

 **also one day, i'll write some happy bakudeku.**


End file.
